At the border

I make my way to the cafe. I caught a sight of myself in a window reflection… I rather ignore it, no point in allowing her to ruin this moment… Once I reach the person I’m meeting up with, I cannot ignore her any longer.. Instant regret on the outfit that-in my distorted mind- makes me look bigger than I already am… Silence her, Silence her, Silence her…

I ventured out today without thinking of triggers, weight, how much sugar I have consumed and how little I have worked-out this week.  I met up with a young girl I met at my recovery group without ever thinking she could be a trigger too… To be fair I,once again,  thought I had it under control-.
Seeing someone sit across from you in a group is not the same as seeing someone next to you- duh! of course-.
She was much shorter than I thought-already started feeling like a giant (couldn’t help the thought that he might like me more if I was her height)- She was much thinner than I remember-started feeling like a shapeless blob-…
I am, however, happy to say that I am still standing strong…. Holding my space at the very least… Not crossing that threshold where Ana waits for me with open arms… Calling me, tempting me back… Making promises that I want to hear and believe, but by now know to be fallacies… My knees may be quivering, my urge to jump back to old habits may be stronger than two days ago… My mind is filled by her shrill voice-joder, she is rather loud now-; I chose my keyboard.

Must not listen to her, must not listen to her, must not listen to her…

Nothing new about this situation, I can handle it-or try my best at the very least-… take deep breaths, reground, find your center, clear your intentions, reconnect with your soul… Understand the gut-wrenching-self-destructive thoughts… Don’t ignore them, deal with them; counter act….
Easier said than done. Seeing her and catching up with this sweet girl was quite worth the unexpected trigger… Getting out of one’s comfort zone is definitely a way to grow, break old patterns and face your deepest and darkest fears; Ana is one of them for me.  I have come a long way, and it is rewarding to realize it… At least I was able to enjoy my time catching up with my young acquaintance… Once I was alone in my car, it became much more difficult to ignore her already gushing voice… He would definitely prefer you smaller, thinner, less flabby and more active blah, blah, blah… On she goes with the hurtful comments…
How to counteract, how to remain away from her?  Breath, just cause she is louder does not mean she is 100% back and in full control… A small part of me still wants that, beware of that…
Get home, feed and nurture yourself with food, positivity and self love… Definitely a priority.  Do not allow that urge to out-do yourself working out… Remember that exercise compliments a healthy nutrition for mind, body and soul… Keep clear and self-loving intentions…
Over all remember that this is an on going battle… An every day thing…

 

Eyes are a mirror we cannot avoid

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Criticism is never easy to quaff down, seldom do we like to hear what others think of us, how we are perceived by our loved ones, by the world… So how to react once we cross that inevitably curious line of “knowing”… I often try to auto-analyze myself, mainly because it has become a habit of mine to be extremely and inexplicably hard on myself… of course, I should add, I have self esteem problems, but that could well be another blog…
I’m a prism of insecurities, a severe coat of self-criticism, a film of selfishness, a fragmented hypercritical sometimes rude and ill-ed tempered woman,with  procrastination often as good company, a spec of a liar (a bad one at that, but if I practice enough, and don’t make eye contact, I am capable of lying), and a constant mermaid-like-daydreamer.
I have hurt the ones I love, and sometimes I can be rather vengeful (particularly with my husband).. I am never good at listing positive things about myself, I suppose that counts as a defect as well…

Recently, however, I try to be better, to change into a person that I could deem worthy of admiration…I know what I want to/should change…
I want to be a circle of generosity and altruism, a knight of honesty and empathy,a book full of  knowledge, an ocean of peace and kindness…
Up until my last (rather recent) marital argument, I was completely blind to the fact that I am prideful, or well, my husband seems to think I am.. When he told me, I must admit, I was surprised and hurt.. one more thing to add to my never ending list of defects. I, of course, did not agree with him, I justified myself as an opinionated woman, as oppose to prideful.. His response? “Being opinionated and being prideful are two different things”.. Try as I may, I do not see his point (or do I refuse to?), I have been meticulously slicing my mind to see his point of view…Thoughts lack a solid essence, sometimes they manage to wriggle their way out from comprehension…
My futile attempt at talking to him ended in a half argument, where we both called it a night and minded our own business… Alas, here I am, writing to see clearer, to unload my thoughts into my “pensieve-like-blog”, through which I intend to clear my mind…How am I prideful???  Am I really mixing both meanings? I like my loud mind, my quick tongue, and my constant and slick thoughts… I am certain I cannot, will not change that.. But is being prideful one of my many flaws as well?
A recollection of fights soar through my mind, and now perhaps, I have reached the answer… Not wanting to be the first one to give in, I push the silence further, I force myself to keep quiet, simply because I don’t want to give in.. In that sense, I realize now, I am prideful…
A bigger question is, can I change it, just thinking that I have to be the first one to “dar el brazo a torcer” irks me a little.. But how to over come that hurdle, the first step is always the hardest, or so I have heard…
A new question formulates slowly…Is pride a negative thing? Perhaps pride is intended for a group of people, for nations to stand together, for human kind to stop hateful acts against each other.. and perhaps, humility is intended for individuals, one of the keys to internal peace… Such a delicate word, a silky enclosure to a deep meaning…After swimming in a far and deep pool of thoughts, where time somehow ceases to exist, I am back in my living-room, typing… It’s already tomorrow…
Thank you pensieve, you have been of great help this evening…