At the border

I make my way to the cafe. I caught a sight of myself in a window reflection… I rather ignore it, no point in allowing her to ruin this moment… Once I reach the person I’m meeting up with, I cannot ignore her any longer.. Instant regret on the outfit that-in my distorted mind- makes me look bigger than I already am… Silence her, Silence her, Silence her…

I ventured out today without thinking of triggers, weight, how much sugar I have consumed and how little I have worked-out this week.  I met up with a young girl I met at my recovery group without ever thinking she could be a trigger too… To be fair I,once again,  thought I had it under control-.
Seeing someone sit across from you in a group is not the same as seeing someone next to you- duh! of course-.
She was much shorter than I thought-already started feeling like a giant (couldn’t help the thought that he might like me more if I was her height)- She was much thinner than I remember-started feeling like a shapeless blob-…
I am, however, happy to say that I am still standing strong…. Holding my space at the very least… Not crossing that threshold where Ana waits for me with open arms… Calling me, tempting me back… Making promises that I want to hear and believe, but by now know to be fallacies. My knees may be quivering, my urge to jump back to old habits may be stronger than two days ago… My mind is filled by her shrill voice-joder, she is rather loud now-; I chose my keyboard.

Must not listen to her, must not listen to her, must not listen to her…

Nothing new about this situation, I can handle it(or try my best at the very least), take deep breaths, reground, find your center, clear your intentions, reconnect with your soul. Understand the gut-wrenching-self-destructive thoughts… Don’t ignore them, deal with them; counter act them.
Easier said than done.  Seeing her and catching up with this sweet girl was quite worth the unexpected trigger.  Getting out of one’s comfort zone is definitely a way to grow, break old patterns and face your deepest and darkest fears; Ana is one of them for me.  I have come a long way, and it is rewarding to realize it. At least I was able to enjoy my time catching up with my young acquaintance.  Once I was alone in my car, it became much more difficult to ignore her already gushing voice.  He would definitely prefer you smaller, thinner, less flabby and more active.  blah, blah, blah… On she goes with the hurtful comments…
How to counteract, how to remain away from her?  Breath, just because she is louder does not mean she is 100% back and in full control.  A small part of me still wants that, beware of that…
Get home, feed and nurture yourself with food; positivity and self love, definitely a priority.  Do not allow that urge to out-do yourself working out… Remember that exercise compliments a healthy nutrition for mind, body, and soul. Keep clear and self-loving intentions.
Over all remember that this is an on going battle… An every day thing…

AAAUUUMMM…

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At the brink of change

“And you don’t have to change a thing the world could change its heart” -“Scars to your beautiful”, Alessia Cara

I stumbled upon this song by the time it was starting to be over played by the radio stations last year. I’d say the lyrics are somewhat relatable, in a general sense; when I heard the song the first time, they sort of spoke to me.  As a woman in recovery from an eating disorder, the lyrics truly do more than speak to me, they somehow described me; sometimes they still do.  Earlier this year I was struggling to fight off an over-a-year-long depression (and 16 years of torture) that was slowly embracing me into an abyss of negative uncertainty, doubt and fear.  I was, however, ready to change.  I was determined to be able to be happy.  I clung to this song as a form of positive mantra, a form of guidance towards a new mentality…
Nowadays the song is not as over played, it’s a random chance to catch it on the radio; at least for me.

Interestingly enough the song triggered many flash backs to excruciating moments; most I’d much rather pretend never happened.  Denying these moments doesn’t seem the right thing to do either, though… I wouldn’t be where I am now had it not been for those mainly self-inflicted-painful-moments… But still… sometimes it’s easier, less embarrassing, less painful, to forget.
During my darkest and deepest moments into my Anorexia, I had managed to completely disconnect from myself…. My thoughts were consumed by her, that distorted, self destructive perception… I was hurting my body, my soul, my mind… I was lost in the darkness of myself hatred…
Today it’s different. Not because Ana’s voice is gone. She’s always there.  It’s different because I found myself.  And it’s an everyday beautiful and daring challenge, to learn about oneself… To truly see my soul in the mirror and learn to love it. It’s even more challenging to see my self, full body, in a mirror; naked or not, I feel exposed regardless…  As I shed old patterns and exchange negativity for positivity, peace and love… I feel a sense of growth, an inner peace to which I’m growing use to… My soul resonates warmly within myself, and I’m peacefully happy. Alhamdulillah.  I don’t take it for granted, it has taken me a long time to reach this point…. I can now smile at the reflection in the mirror, she looks back trusting, happy…

Still, some days are easier than others…

As I continue to write I suddenly realize that I am a month and a day away from my 30th Birthday… Joder, when did I grow up???

Big change… “I still feel as I did when I was 21” jajaja In all honesty, it is somewhat a lie… The truth is I have come a long way since I was in my early 20’s. Mentally, physically, emotionally, intellectually… And to be honest, my body has changed-despite people telling that I look exactly the same- jajaja
True, I do look young for my age- I think me being almost flat-chested and my lack of fashion have a lot to do with that misconception-, but I do start to see where my wrinkles will form as my skin ages…  Natural platinum highlights begin to appear-I see you grey hairs! welcome-… Well, my grey hairs came around my mid 20’s, I blame school for that… I did not accept them back then, instead I decided to dye my hair black.  Now I kind of like them, kind of… jajaja
I definitely do feel the difference in energy and stamina, in my early 20’s I could go out dancing for the weekend, and I’d still wake up at 7:00 in the morning, work out, and then study.   At 29, at the cusp of the third floor, round two of being an adult, one cannot simply attempt to do such a thing.  I have learned to appreciate sleep and rest way too much… Early-possibly-chronic-aches begin to make themselves noticeable… The lack of sleep is more detrimental than before, and it is definitely tougher to pretend otherwise… Over all, I have learned to care for myself, something I did not do in my 20’s… I stretch more, do more yoga, I make it a point to nurture myself, my body and my soul…

Again, some days are easier than others….

Being more conscious about an issue that one has, or the goals to reach, is only the first step… Actually doing the work to getting there, is another story… Time is the best excuse to not do the work, somehow there is hardly enough time. Well, at least the way we measure it is not enough…  Next year is only 4 months away… somehow it’s August already… and I will be 30 in a month…. Joder.

But since I am being honest, am I really upset that I’m on the third floor? Not fully.  It is crazy to accept the fact that we do actually age… and that 30 is actually not that old (jajaja or that’s what we say once we approach/ reach it)
I am at a much better place going into my 30’s than I ever was during any of my 20’s… I feel myself at the brink of change… of adventure…
As I slowly slip out of my 20 year old cocoon and I’m ready to be better, happier, healthier, wiser… and continue to be so… Je vois la vie en rose… 

Addio Ana…