At the border

I make my way to the cafe. I caught a sight of myself in a window reflection… I rather ignore it, no point in allowing her to ruin this moment… Once I reach the person I’m meeting up with, I cannot ignore her any longer.. Instant regret on the outfit that-in my distorted mind- makes me look bigger than I already am… Silence her, Silence her, Silence her…

I ventured out today without thinking of triggers, weight, how much sugar I have consumed and how little I have worked-out this week.  I met up with a young girl I met at my recovery group without ever thinking she could be a trigger too… To be fair I,once again,  thought I had it under control-.
Seeing someone sit across from you in a group is not the same as seeing someone next to you- duh! of course-.
She was much shorter than I thought-already started feeling like a giant (couldn’t help the thought that he might like me more if I was her height)- She was much thinner than I remember-started feeling like a shapeless blob-…
I am, however, happy to say that I am still standing strong…. Holding my space at the very least… Not crossing that threshold where Ana waits for me with open arms… Calling me, tempting me back… Making promises that I want to hear and believe, but by now know to be fallacies… My knees may be quivering, my urge to jump back to old habits may be stronger than two days ago… My mind is filled by her shrill voice-joder, she is rather loud now-; I chose my keyboard.

Must not listen to her, must not listen to her, must not listen to her…

Nothing new about this situation, I can handle it-or try my best at the very least-… take deep breaths, reground, find your center, clear your intentions, reconnect with your soul… Understand the gut-wrenching-self-destructive thoughts… Don’t ignore them, deal with them; counter act….
Easier said than done. Seeing her and catching up with this sweet girl was quite worth the unexpected trigger… Getting out of one’s comfort zone is definitely a way to grow, break old patterns and face your deepest and darkest fears; Ana is one of them for me.  I have come a long way, and it is rewarding to realize it… At least I was able to enjoy my time catching up with my young acquaintance… Once I was alone in my car, it became much more difficult to ignore her already gushing voice… He would definitely prefer you smaller, thinner, less flabby and more active blah, blah, blah… On she goes with the hurtful comments…
How to counteract, how to remain away from her?  Breath, just cause she is louder does not mean she is 100% back and in full control… A small part of me still wants that, beware of that…
Get home, feed and nurture yourself with food, positivity and self love… Definitely a priority.  Do not allow that urge to out-do yourself working out… Remember that exercise compliments a healthy nutrition for mind, body and soul… Keep clear and self-loving intentions…
Over all remember that this is an on going battle… An every day thing…

 

“I am looking f…

“I am looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

I must admit, the non romantic-logical part of me, has been polished throughout time. I am finally able (with heart-aching, craving-necessity to see him) to put my priorities back in to perspective.  After my disappointments slap me back to reality, I no longer (with some often slip ups)  push my schedule, plans, and obligations aside to be with him.. However, I am not sure, is this something to be proud of?