Behaviors and stuff

I have this habit (and I am quite sure I am not alone) of people watching.  I like to analyze what I see, people are so interesting, the mystery of “how”, and even more so “why”,  we behave is so entrancing to me.  I like to observe patterns, mainly, I like to see the face behind the mask.  Usually, we are quite good at hiding behind our intricate masks (particularly as we get older), however, there are key moments where the eyes (unless it is a very well practiced deceiver) betray the mask.  Those are the moments I like to observe, through an insecure sparkle barely noticeable, you can see what people are trying to hide, it’s so unintentionally honest; though I have to admit, the rest of the time when we are playing the undecipherable game are the most entertaining.  Not to be shallow, but I do happen to be picky as to whom I observe, the hollow barbies hardly hold my curiosity, well, stupidity in general has a way of repelling my interest at any level.  With time that threshold has become lower and lower.  Today I find my self indulging in this habit.  Having finished studying earlier than I had planned, and enduring the freezing hug of the ranked up AC at the Starbucks I am sitting in, I can take inventory of the people that surround me.  This particular area has, an even mixture I dare say, between older people, and people my age (oh golly! I am in a different age group already, the mid twenty’s age group… a slight sigh escapes me…). Perhaps due to the time, I got here a little passed 6:30pm, I have not encountered (to my great surprise and pleasure) younger kids, as in teenagers or early 20’s.   Instead, I am surrounded by people from my generation and a couple of elder generations.  Most of us are so consumed by what we are doing that we hardly notice our surroundings, and I must admit, everybody here seems so serious, and unhappy. Of course this could all be very well part of the mask that hides our inner selves.  With such a distasteful mask, why would anyone approach you? Maybe that is the intention, and it very well would explain why so many people approach me, I try my best to keep hostility off my mask.  A sea of curiosity plagues me about the people that cross my sight.  From the decision on clothing, to the more complex stories behind each scar, tattoo, ring, expression…and so on.  What makes us… us??? Typical philosophical question, which yet does not have one definite answer, emphasizing the fact that we are intricate creatures…
A very interesting couple is sitting toward my right, dressed somewhat alike, with dark clothing, and giving off a bit of a nerdy “we like star wars and space related movies” kind of vibe, they discuss their future plans for a wedding that is soon to come.  It’s nice to see how involved into it they both are, of course they only have 20 days left… That might act as a catalyst to every decision left to make, keeping both of them on top of the game, as oppose to just the bride.  Across from me,  is a man full of himself, and I honestly can’t see why, he  has been talking on the phone for over 45 minutes explaining his success at his business, and other aspects of his life. But he could be catching up with an old friend for all I know, who am I to judge this stranger?  It’s that type of attitude, however, that dilutes my curiosity and I turn my gaze away… Instead I focus on a young girl, really into her reading, I wonder if she is as insecure as she seems.  She’s sitting in a corner diagonally from me, wearing glasses, her hair in a low pony tail, she’s wearing a rather large sweater for her tiny size, she has her feet up the couch and her arms around her knees.  She reminds me of myself when I was about 20… Is she anorexic?? She looks rather skinny and shy, as if she does not want attention, and dresses in a way to hide herself, to become part of the shadow that we cast around ourselves to avoid human contact.  At least, that was my case back then, and sometimes nowadays… Many questions that will remain unanswered arise about this your girl.  I think she is really pretty, I wonder if she realizes it…
After some time, I decide to keep analyzing my situation.  How to better myself, I am in the process of having a minute by minute review of earlier conversations, when the same conceited person approaches to interrupt my train of thought and now has offered to buy me something -____- why on Earth would he think this is ok??? But then again, maybe I am being too harsh, he’s probably just being nice, I kindly say no… So back to bettering myself, I remember my “birthday wish” and what a big fail it was. Perhaps it was my fault, I wasn’t really that organized about what I asked, had I, perhaps, organized the idea and polished it more people here would have actually done what  I asked. Perhaps saying “I would like to make a donation to a good cause” was too vague.  I should have chosen an actual “cause” and asked people to send the money there, since rarely we ever have time to give… Conclusion? Stop thinking and start acting.  Jajaja, how cliché of me.
The door opens, and an older couple enters holding hands, assuming they are married, I find it difficult to look away.  Quite a sweet scene.  The husband heads to the cashier, and his wife finds a table, leaves her jacket and joins him.  He orders, and they just stand together chatting and waiting.  These are the types of moments I love to observe, the mysterious interaction between people that have shared a life together, and somehow still seem to be in love.  Is it just today because it was an easy day? Is it just something they enjoy doing together? If so, how often do they do it?? Is the calm weather after a stormy fight?  Have they found the key to a successful and lasting relationship??
What ever it is, I must admit it is encouraging, perhaps it is through these little glimpses of happy, in-love couples, where romantic novels find the literary momentum to create their stories.  They sit together, and just seem to enjoy each other…
Uggh the conceited guy is back, and again he plucks away my thoughts, what part of no is difficult to understand? Jaja apparently I am an interesting person. I, again, kindly tell him that I am not interested in coffee, and now I make use of my secret weapon.  I show off the handsome piece of jewelry I am wearing on the fourth finger of my left hand. It works instantly, like a fly repellant!  I don’t intend to be rude, but sometimes I don’t want to be noticed, I enjoy being left afloat in my tangled sea of thoughts.  It’s amazing how each thought/idea is independent, and at the same time, dependent on the previous one, as if they each have a will of their own…. Again I wonder, do we think because we are aware, or, are we aware because we think…
I just realized its dark, I should head home, the concept of relativity comes to mind; once more I realize the awful truth, time spent in something we enjoy doing, truly does slip through an intangible grasp…. Alas, I part ways with my thoughts and attempts at transcribing them… When will I make time for them again?? I hope it’s soon…

Differences…

What is the limit to honesty? Is saying things the way they are, or how you truly feel, the best way to be? Or is it best to keep things to yourself most of the time, and say what people want to hear half of the time, all for the sake of being at peace and not risking hurting any body’s feelings? I have been told, at times, that I can be harsh, and that is only because I don’t really sugar coat my opinions or thoughts, though I do try to explain them in the nicest way possible, contrary to certain believes, I am not a heartless, evil, selfish bitch… I am extremely honest and opinionated; recently however(by recently I mean in the last hour or so),  I started thinking that perhaps “opinionated and honest” is not a very good combination.  Why share your thoughts with the people that mean the most to you, if later it will come back to bite you in the rear? But then again, if you are pretending otherwise, or keeping your thoughts to yourself, what is the point of thinking?
I feel as if a metaphorical rug has been pulled from underneath me. To a degree, having a hypothetical rug disappear from underneath you, is worse than having the actual rug unbalance your stance… The sense of falling, when the rug is hypothetical, is ever lasting, you keep preparing for some sort of impact that never comes. Through the eternal falling, one is able to analyze every angle of a situation, and according to each person, I suppose, we reach to different conclusions.  I suppose as well that, culture and background, must have an imperative effect on how we all reach a conclusion.  Not too long ago, a different angle on what I previously wrote was brought to my attention; and though I never meant it in a harmful way, I never thought that, to other people, it could be.  Before I develop any further on this particular post, I must clarify some things. I truly do consider myself  a lucky girl, in many aspects of life.
1) I have been blessed with amazing parents and siblings (amazing, not perfect). They support my every whim, they love me unconditionally, and though we do have scary fights, at the end of the day, we know that we have each other. 2) I am an intellectual and analytical person, bubbly, honest, happy,  and compassionate as far as personality goes, and quite decent as far as physical appearances go. 3) As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, in the love aspect, I am also lucky. What I perhaps did not mention (mainly because it slipped my mind in the spur of the moment, and partly because I was quite cold and I wanted to relocate) is that though my future family to be is quite different, (and may not know me fully) I have been blessed with loving, sweet, and somewhat easy to get along with people (as easy as it ever is to get along with people that don´t share the same language, traditions, and believes).   As far as mothers in law goes, I am quite fortunate.  Yes, we differ a lot in our views of life, religion, and marriage, but we do get along. I should also mention that we love and care for each other, and though our relationship has not developed fully, it has had a great start.  I do not consider her a monster in law, as so many other unfortunate souls have confessed to me about their own personal experiences.  And quite honestly, I would like to break the chain of tradition regarding mother-daughter in law relationships.
Now, once again, the notion of differences comes to mind, as well as the way in which we interpret our surroundings.  Communication is a deceiving word, it seems rather simple having very few letters (some of them repeated), and quit harmless in its meaning. In verity, it is a double edge sword, quite useful if both parties reach the same understanding, but extremely harmful if something between exchanges is missing or misinterpreted.  Why is it then that people venture and seek to bring two different worlds together at such high risks?  One says blue, and the other may see black, one sees orange, and the other says tulips.  On an every day basis,  and when it comes to interacting with one another, we are hardly on the same page. Perhaps this is why, at a cellular level, communication between cells (and the effects unleashed by an interpretation of messages), are highly and meticulously regulated.  It is not merely an action reaction event, rather, it is a cascade of actions and reactions that lead to one final event.  Perhaps if we all communicated this way, there would be less misunderstandings, less arguments, and less hurt feelings.  This holds true with any types of relationship, not just the romantic type.  Though in my personal case, it mainly pertains to the romantic relationship.  How can we move forward if one side perceives the other as malicious, or does not have a full understanding of the unraveling mind of the other.  If either side is not able to see things from a different perspective other than his/her own, if one side feels deprived, or limited and can’t be honest about it, can a relationship (and a marriage) emerge victorious through out time and history? I doubt that without honesty, trust, and scrupulously intensive attempts at good communication (which so far have proven to be the key to any sort of relationship), a marriage can survive.  Though only life and time  will tell…