If ideas and thoughts crossed our brain barrier like oxygen does, through diffusion, perhaps there wouldn’t be so many misunderstandings. It is said that communication is the key to having a healthy and happy relationship, and this key applies to any kind of relationship, even the political ones (though I have tons to say on that matter I shall, of course, save it for some other blog). In this particular one I rather focus on the mind boggling thoughts that perhaps, once they are out of my mind and in a more, somewhat, tangible form, I will be able to reach a tranquil state of mind (and finally focus in what I need to do, like study). Through the cloudiness of my upset mind, a common saying seeps through, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed”. Is this true? Does happiness rely on having low or no expectations? If so, where is the line between happiness and just settling for what one has? Where does healthy ambition and motivation fit into this concept? As most girls do (or well, I do quite often) I have reviewed recent scenarios over and over, analyzing them in order to understand what happened, see and comprehend my faults, and find a way to better myself. How can something be fixed if nobody attempts to do it? Late last night (after many failed attempts at alluring the one person I was craving to see) he finally came to see me. I have discovered recently, that I can be quite vengeful and a bit psychotic, not in a “call the cops way”, more in a “I am extremely horny, I am going out of my mind” way. Much to my surprise, I am quite a sexual person, and sadly enough (I am quite shameful of admitting it) I am a hopelessly, somewhat cynical, romantic. Though I would like to sue Disney and all the romantic novels (that we endure through out our life time) for embedding romance into my head; and as much as I try to deny and defy it, I still find my self hoping for a glimpse, however slight, of romance in my relationship. This becomes even more emotionally palpable to me when I encounter the thief that (many many moons ago) stole my heart and soul. He is (as I have mentioned before) a romance antagonist, and rather, an emotionally unavailable person; though he does his best to put that aside for me, I still (after all this time) wish for more. Why can’t my heart catch up with my mind already, I think it would save me so many arguments and disappointments. Of course by heart, I mean my limbic system, my amygdala, my hormones and neurotransmitters, and other cerebral areas that are not necessarily involved with the logical, more practical part of my brain.
As I mentioned earlier, last night I met a train of disappointments when my “susodicho” finally came for a visit. As I also mentioned, I wanted to be vengefully mean and angry at him for leaving me unattended for such an extended period of time (I was also expecting flowers, or some sort of gesture). However I surprised my self, and as soon as my brain made out his silhouette in the dark, my heart (ready to be reunited with him) started racing and pounding rather violently in my chest, my stomach, all of a sudden, was filled with butterflies. Unpredictably, I was (after such a long time with out a bright exploding package of emotions) expecting a passionate encounter. I lunged myself to him, and clung to him so tight that I thought somehow we had formed an ionic bond. After what felt much too soon, he lightly released me, and greeted me with an amused smile on his too perfect face. I sought his eyes immediately, and I found my self, once again, lost in the depth of his private deep chocolate brown eyes. I couldn’t believe myself, where did all my anger and friskiness went? We lingered in the living room for a bit while we watched a movie with my mom and my brother, I couldn’t wait to touch him again, so I made up a sad excuse to leave the room. Conveniently enough, earlier that day I had spent the day having, much needed, girl time (quite frankly this too requires a blog of it’s own). I took the gifts that my girls kindly and selflessly gave me, and used it as the perfect exit cue. We headed to my room so I could show off my pretty gifts, and was hoping to get ravished as soon as we crossed the threshold, but that did not happened of course. As the urge began to gurgle in my being once more, I again felt frisky and annoyed. Why wasn’t he kissing me, why didn’t he have his hands all over me??? Instead he had made himself comfortable in my bed (looking sexy as hell in his casual sweat pants that hug his hips just perfectly, making his V-cut slightly visible, and white shirt that showed his recently worked out pecks) and just looked at me. Little by little each boiling bubble of anger, sexual frustration, and reality check, began to burst my romantic novel ideas, so I took a childish and capricious approach. I grumbled about how he’s not as sweet to me as he use to be, how he doesn’t spoil me any more, and I told him that I want more affection from him. I did not let it go of course, I was already too frustrated, and he still wasn’t kissing me or touching me. The lack of touch made me even more edgy, soon he closed down and became distant. And all I did was to make him feel upset and apparently guilty. To my dismay I had a surprise visit from some beloved kin; the rest of the evening we spent in lovely company and surrounded by giggles, all acerbic feelings gone. Starting a shamefully late morning , I attempted to surprise my “susodicho”, and was planning on heading his way, get some errands and studying done while I waited for him to get off from work. Because I wanted the latter part to be a surprise, I did not mentioned it, and after him giving me a more practical suggestion regarding my errands, I got (once again) disappointed. After some back and forth arguing, I discovered that my attitude (whose etiology, I had attempted to explain to him already) was bothering him. As a wounded dog, I retrieved my romantic plans with my tail between my legs, and decided to just go about my day as if nothing had happened. I told him to do the same. Re reading everything, I am trying to find a way out of this. Where did I go wrong? Yes, perhaps I should have just told him what my plans originally were, but that doesn’t mean I am annoying, does it? And, I truly am not using my friskiness as an excuse, I honestly believe that it is one of the reasons as to why every emotion mixes up inside of me and increases exponentially. Three hours later I have not heard from the working man, with two more hours to go until he leaves to the gym… I realize that I have not yet studied.. Again I pull my attention to the present, and leave my analysis for later more affordable minutes, perhaps after my quiz I can afford to dedicate more time to this… With yet another question, what happens when we are married???