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I cannot believe how long I have deprived myself from writing, funny how responsibilities find a way to seep through our hobbies and push them aside. Truth is, it shows, my mind feels more stressed than usual. As the only means of stress release, not writing really gets to me.  But with finals out-of-the-way, I can breathe and pick up from where I left off, trying to organize my mind, make it peaceful… A sanctuary as oppose to my torture, the thing is your mind is the one place you can’t hide or run away from… But somehow with writing (and definitely running) I can push my thoughts aside, and relax.. must not stop writing, must not stop writing…

 

 

Work out inhibitions

I have never been a fit girl… In fact my childhood consisted of candy, and taunting (which came from kin and foe) .. As the heaviest of all my cousins and siblings, I was constantly reminded of my weight and how horrible my body looked in comparison to my slender cousins… Mind you I was only 8 when it started.  As I grew into my teens, things got worse and I became a chubby child.  I have all sorts of quotes branded into my brain by my grandparents and aunts and uncles.. even some of my eldest cousins.. Esthetics are rather important in my family… Well, at least in my extended family, my immediate family got a rude awakening to weight problems… By the time I was 15 I got so traumatized by my weight that I looked for a way out.. And I found an eating disorder… Almost 10 years later, I still struggle to keep a healthy weight without losing my mind and without torturing my self.. Of course the taunting has stopped (from my extended family, and from other peers)  Most of the torturing and taunting I have done on myself.. It takes years (specially if your family pesters you about something and does not teach you other wise) to understand that outside opinions, words, and other form of input, can affect you only if YOU allow it.. It took me six years to distance myself from the death trap that an eating disorder can be.. By the time I was 18 my parents finally realized that I was not losing weight but was rather sick and unhealthy, at the verge of becoming seriously ill from it.. At that point, I was no longer allowed to do as I pleased, four years later, I had managed to be at a healthy weight… And above all, I saw the pain and suffering I caused my loved ones, I did not want to inflict pain or hurt them.. That was never my intention, so I stopped and tried my hardest to get out of my Anorexia…  However, till this day, I struggle to see it as” healthy” and not “fat”.. I am still not happy with my body, but, I am not in deadly peril.. Instead of starving and torturing myself, I found a way to be safe and over all reach a goal where I can be fit and happy with my body.. The problem and stress comes when an injury happens and I have to stop working out.. That’s when I go crazy inside my mind.. I do not allow people inside my problem, I don’t want to pester them.. or rather, if I am being honest with myself, I don’t want people to worry and see that pained look in their eyes.. My parents deserve better than that.. and who has heard of a 26 year old with weight/ eating disorder problems… So, naturally, I keep it to myself.. and drown in it.. I need to run and be free of my mind sometimes, so it doesn’t get to me anymore..
A month ago, my back gave me problems and I gained two pounds.. Finally I managed to lose them when I was able to step into the gym again.. Sadly, I cannot run, or at least not outside.. I am constrained to a noisy machine that is repetitive and boring..  But I was getting better, and stronger and could finally work out again. Yesterday, my wrist got injured, and now.. I cannot work out again.. I feel desperate.. and sometimes it is so difficult to hide it.. I keep looking in the mirror and I see the image getting larger… I lose touch between reality and the idealism that haunts me..

Balance above all

I am a girl of many passions, most of which I indulge (or try to at least) on a regular basis, recently,however, I have neglected some of these pass-times.  Why is it so easy to get involved in the daily routine of what we think our lives should be.  Yes, we all have certain responsibilities and/or obligations, but why is it easier to neglect that what makes us happy, than to postpone the things that stress us out?  Personally, I create a huge mental abyss, filled with excuses and limitations, and keep myself from enjoying the little things in life.  Last night I finally made it a point on going to a meeting at Barnes and Noble across from the University I attend. Though it is not so much of a meeting as it is of a gathering filled with Italian people, or like me, people who are just dying to learn and speak the romantically musical tongue.  I was reminded immediately of how happy it makes me to speak the language, or try my very best, being able to practice it and feel the pronunciation. To speak Italian is not just about knowing how to say  “il dolce far niente”, rather, it is all about speaking through facial expressions, and quite importantly, using your hands, conveying every word with passion.  Speaking Italian, just like speaking any other language, is a door through which you experience the culture, you submerge yourself fully into the meaning of what, in this case, being an Italian is.  Last night I was instantly reminded of how much I had missed letting my brain switch to Italian, and how much joy it really brings me.  Another interesting trait  from last night was one woman in particular, though she calls her self a “befana”, the Italian version of the three kings in the Hispanic world, which are the ones that originally brought gifts to the children on January 6th, as oppose to the more Americanized and commercialized version of Santa Clause on December 25th.  To me she was quite inspirational, with some winters towards her experience, she told amazing stories, and gave personal and vivid advice, to which I was glad that I could relate to, and had already discovered on my own, though it was nice to realize where I am headed. Her view of the world, how she expressed herself, and that sparkle of comfort and love of her self, is definitely the key that very few people, are able to find, and that is the key that keeps the soul young.  Sadly, it is mostly women the ones that lack the secret to ever lasting youth, and mainly focus in the physical aspect of it. We all think that aging of the body means aging of our entire being, and that is not necessarily true.  There are so many products and industries dedicated to keeping us young (those dedicated to making women beautiful and/or skinny are with-in a separate category), that we completely neglect the truth, a young and peaceful soul will be reflected in our eyes.  Another reason why perhaps it is women the ones that miss out in the secret, is the pressure society puts on us, and most importantly, the power we give it to affect us.  Being a devoted sister, friend, daughter, mother, wife, student, or even religious person, does not mean that we should leave aside what makes us unique.  By putting ourselves first ( not in a selfish, conceited way, but rather in a spiritual and mental way) might make it easier to fulfill each of those roles in a much calmer manner.  And perhaps prevent stress and wrinkles from creeping in early on, truth be told, we all have that vanity concern, at our own level of course.  Writing is another of the pass-times that I have neglected, but hopefully will be doing a lot more of from now on.  Having writing and Italian under check, I will make an effort to concentrate on dancing, and enjoy the wet precipitation from a cloudy dark day, that is not welcomed by many.
If we find something that fills us with joy, why make up excuses to keep it at bay?  Are we scared of being happy, or is it just that we get so consumed in our daily routines that we forget what it is like to enjoy the little things? It appears so, since we need constant reminders, movies, poems, songs; and for some, even self help books.  Why look on the outside, when in truth, all the answers are found with in?  Turns out that just in the middle is the best place to be.  The balance between what you have to do, and doing what makes you happy.  That to me, is the key to being forever young, in mind and soul, the body will wither with time, but the soul can live for ever, given that energy is neither created nor destroy, but rather transformed.  Not striving for perfection, instead, accepting those little imperfections that makes us unique, and of course, a little of ” I don’t give a rats ass what people think” to keep us from recruiting back into the lifeless shell of protection we tend to put up…