Just before the storm

Once again it has been some time since I let my fingers glide through the key  board with no other intention than to portrait my thoughts…
Hot sip of tea, mint tea, I told myself, to soothe the  nerves that will soon come… as four o’clock slowly approaches… Or well, I think the nerves will come.. I find my self weirdly calm before the first part of a three hour exam… Is it shock, tiredness, under or over preparedness?? Am I at peace?
It’s a feeling similar to when you stand at the sea shore, you feel the sand under your feet, in between your toes as you start to dig them deep into the mushy sand…. As you stand and breathe in the salty air, and you feel how the waves softly break at you ankles as they make their way to shore…You feel the wind playing with your hair, as you take another deep breath of salty-humid-air and far away in the horizon you can see the storm approaching, the wind starts to gain momentum… but the feeling of calming peace just doesn’t go away.. It’s weirdly difficult to explain..

I guess simply put, I just don’t give a fuck… jajaja it is a relieve to say so. Why do I have to worry about an exam that I have been preparing for, for so long?… and yet, far away in the horizon… the fear starts to form.. Maybe the storm is not the three hour exam per se, but rather the fear of that exam…and the consequences, should I not pass the exam… It’d make more sense that way… and yet the calming-peaceful-feeling still remains… I take a deep breathe, not of salty-humid-air… No, unfortunately I am not at the beach, or near to it… I am making time, sitting in one of the cubicles available to the TA’s with in this program.. Another sip of hot-minty-tea… ugh.. hot and a tad bit bitter…One should remove the slice of lemon after a while, particularly if no honey is added..
I look at the time and that storm is only two hours away (be it the nerves, the fear, and the exam it self)… I look at the pile of flash cards that I have and feel a sudden rush of awe.. I have condensed so much information into 3 by 5 flashcards, one must include only the essential… and let the brain do the rest… I trust you neural connections…
As I go through a mental list.. Psychoanalysis , structuralism, deconstruction, reader response, feminist theory, post colonialism.. Such a variety of ways with which people attempt to understand… people and what they create, and the reason why they created it… More tea, definitely better without the slice of lemon… still tongue-burning-hot… One must remember to sip slowly… crap, I’ll probably get blisters…
Unloading the mind is such a relaxing process, how many thoughts do we carry within ourselves… Or at least I do, I think way too much, analyze things for way too long… and soon come to realize that Derrida was right.. No center is anchored within meaning.. it is ever changing… does this mean that Saussure was wrong in saying that the relationship with signs and meaning is arbitrary but constructed anchored units, and unchanging meaning?  I hardly doubt that.. Perhaps both perspectives are individual facets of a multifaceted concept of perception…. And in the end that’s what it really is.. the concept of reality, hyper-real or otherwise (Baudrillard is by far one of my favorites), is just a construction of multifaceted aspects.. Aspects to which we each have limited access to, based on our background and “consciousness derived from the material of our society”… We all try to convey and interpret the discourse surrounding us, and within ourselves… Some aspects of reality are more prominent than others… white elite male perspective and that of the subaltern or the marginalized… Thin threats of thoughts, opinions, concerns, desires (erotic or ambitious)… All just waiting to be interpreted, discussed, assimilated, rejected or accepted… Similar to our human desire to belong, be accepted, understood and at the same time remain different… but not inferior…

Thank you key board…always a pleasure… I have missed you so…


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