In her head

Take a deep breath, ignore what goes around… never mind that you’re running late… never mind all the due dates that are approaching and you can’t concentrate to get your things together… never mind the fact that you couldn’t talk to your psychologist… just breath… type, type, type, just type.. the familiar noise is rather soothing…
Once again I fucked up, how cliche is that.. It’s ok to make mistakes… in the end, you just get back up…blah blah blah..
What if you don’t want to get up, what if you are just tired of keeping up appearances, the mask that tells people that everything is ok, that nothing affects you and that you have your shit together…
What if you believe what he tells you and decide to stay negative, because you are a negative person, complicated, demanding…. things you already knew about yourself. You know you’re fucked up..  So why would you have to get up, and try again.. does it matter?  What if you want to believe him and stay negative, demanding and fucked up.. ..

It’s been a difficult past few weeks, I would even dare say it’s been a difficult past few months.. What happens when the magic ends and all you are left with is the empty reality of the same mistake repeated again and again… With additional shit, and new defects that you didn’t know you had.. All of which just add on to the already too large pile of self-loathing reasons you have… Breath… put the mask back on.. and come back to type later… for now, that is all you can do… Exchange the knife, gun, pills… (or any other unoriginal way you can think of ending your life) for the familiar sound of the keys you press…

Maybe that will remove some of the stress, allow you keep calm until your class.. “Remember you are facing a lot of people.. we don’t want people to know, we don’t want people to see us” … I know Ana, I know…

 

 

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