A quick thank you blog

Is it just me, or has being an adult always been difficult?  Over a month ago I turned 29 (I’m still trying to get used to seeing that big number) and one would think that by this age you would have things figured out… Well I definitely do not… I am still learning how to cook, I’m trying to find the balance between house work, school work and having somewhat of a life… Which I end up avoiding regardless (I regret making plans as soon as I agree to, and find myself hoping those plans just don’t go through)…  I have become more a-social than before (didn’t think it was possible jajajaja)…. I rather avoid human contact…My dog and my books have proven to be better company, less judgmental, less disappointing, more genuine … and definitely more logical than some humans… School workload definitely helps with this limited-human-contact-phase I have entered; having returned to do my masters in an area of which I know nothing about was definitely challenging, but I am enjoying the journey…

As a graduate student, with a puny pay check every two weeks is quite difficult to economically cover all expenses… My income is destined to my rent and other bills, and that’s it… Not that I need any material stuff, however, sometimes I can’t even buy groceries.. jajaja  If it weren’t for my parents, I’d be a homeless student… Living in  my car with my dog.. still not being able to feed either of us…
For the past two months my parents have been buying groceries for my brother and I (he is in a similar situation, with minimum wage he barely has enough to pay his bills)…

Thank you to the most selfless, hard working, patient, loving, understanding people I know… Thank you for still supporting me, even when I am at the threshold of being 30, no job, no income.. no way of helping you guys out. Thank you for all the sacrifices you guys make, for even to this day looking out for the offspring that cannot sustain herself.. Thank you for being patient and encouraging… For believing in me, when I really can’t…

Not that my blogging about the amazing parents you guys are will help in any way… But at least it will remain somewhere in the endless cloud of shared-intangible-information that I am gratefully lucky to be your daughter… I hope you are right dad, and that my studying so much will, somewhere in the future, pay off… I hope I will not disappoint you and that, at some point, I will be able to care for you guys the way you have cared (and continue to care) for my siblings and I.

Thank you, gracias, grazie, merci… Words just aren’t enough… And it will never feel like I can do enough to return all the love, kindness, patience, support, advice, teachings… everything that you guys do for us… I love you both so very much.

Advertisements

In her head

Take a deep breath, ignore what goes around… never mind that you’re running late… never mind all the due dates that are approaching and you can’t concentrate to get your things together… never mind the fact that you couldn’t talk to your psychologist… just breath… type, type, type, just type.. the familiar noise is rather soothing…
Once again I fucked up, how cliche is that.. It’s ok to make mistakes… in the end you just get back up…blah blah blah..
What if you don’t want to get up, what if you are just tired of keeping up appearances, the mask that tells people that everything is ok, that nothing affects you and that you have your shit together…
What if you believe what he tells you and decide to stay negative, because you are a negative person, complicated, demanding…. things you already knew about yourself. You know you’re fucked up..  So why would you have to get up, and try again.. does it matter?  What if you want to believe him and stay negative, demanding and fucked up.. ..

It’s been a difficult past few weeks, I would even dare say it’s been a difficult past few months.. What happens when the magic ends and all you are left with is the empty reality of the same mistake repeated again and again… With additional shit, and new defects that you didn’t know you had.. All of which just add on to the already too large pile of self loathing reasons you have… Breath… put the mask back on.. and come back to type later… for now, that is all you can do… Exchange the knife, gun, pills… (or any other unoriginal way you can think of ending your life) for the familiar sound of the keys you press…

Maybe that will remove some of the stress, allow you keep calm until your class.. “Remember you are facing a lot of people.. we don’t want people to know, we don’t want people to see us” … I know Ana, I know…