Long over due

It’s quite sad to admit that my keyboard feels foreign to me, we use to be so in tune… It’s been over a month (*cough* four months *coughs*) since my last post, which wasn’t even a blog post… ( Un análisis de A History of Mary Prince, a West Indian Slave).  For an aspiring blogger, I am slacking way too much.. In all honesty it might have even been on purpose, or not; for various reasons.  As I have explained before, my blog is my “pensieve”, my “I hope to get some insight”; it allows me to “exorcise my demons”, to analyze and attempt to understand… everything, or at times, nothing.  After experiencing several incidents that some may refer to as “emotional break downs” (fuck it, I’ll be honest, I’m slowly decomposing mentally and emotionally), without any form of improvement or a true form of release, it becomes rather clear that one should sit down and write…. I am not entirely sure why it has taken me so long to start writing, but I could argue certain points that could potentially be a factor… Due to the date of my last actual blog (Without answers or reasons) which was three days after my bhai passed away (walaikum salam), I felt lost in a sea of disbelief and numbness (nine days previous to that I got divorced); quite honestly I have only vague recollections of those three months after my bhai’s death (it’s such a heavy word to write, think, or say, was it always? Or is it just now that the weight of his absence reminds me that he’s no longer here?).  I stopped blogging, however, I didn’t quite stopped writing if that counts; I absentmindedly wrote my essays for class and finals.  Perhaps I needed the break, to say that I read and wrote a lot is an understatement… But then again, perhaps I needed to miss the light silhouette of the symbols that label each key, feel it’s smooth square surface, feel the distinctive rod-shaped-markings that differentiate the “F” and the “J”… Now that I find myself here typing, I have come to realize that in fact I have actually missed it.. Just feeling the synchronized fluidity of my fingers as they glide over each of the keys, pressing down softly and firmly… I even missed the “click, click”…. Why in the hell did I stop blogging???!!!  I am still unsure…

I miss you bhai…

I must admit that those may not have been the most pressing potential factors to my slacking… Perhaps I didn’t want to see the truth, or put the feelings into thoughts, and into words…making them tangible.  Once you do that, there is no turning back, at least for me; it’s more real than before, it’s tangible, it’s visible, it’s there…
Once you reach a certain age, one doesn’t expect certain “incidents” could occur… One can be terribly wrong… So far this year has been about facing my fears, in very extreme ways I might add (dear universe, I share your morbidly sardonic sense of humor at times, but damn…).

I’ll start with the least pressing one, which is this new phase in which I currently find myself in… two steps away from the third floor… And I still don’t have a clue as to what being an adult is…I can honestly say, however, that I am extremely happy to not have any human children; four legged ones are so much better.  Yet I still feel lost as to what to do when it comes to existing in society, and having it see me as an adult.  I am still learning how to cook, and how to balance my time between school/work and all the adult things we have to do (cleaning, laundry, organizing… “adulting”)…

The most pressing one is the challenge of facing the obstacles that harshly contradict your morals, beliefs, integrity, etc… In this particular case I’d say it’s the challenge of not giving in to the depression that consumes you when your reality shifts radically and suddenly.  My theory is that our minds react to these radical-reality-shifts the same way our bodies react to the varicella virus; the older you get, the harder it hits you…

Over all, however, the hardest challenge is to keep going..despite anything, keep going with a smile on and positive disposition… try not to become a cynically empty shell, as tempting as it may be…

 

 

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