Lost in confusion

My last entry was about a month ago, it’s quite baffling how much can “go down” in less than thirty days… As I listen to -What I go- by Sublime, I’m sitting in a lilac/hot-pink room with two of the best people I know; my siblings…We’re all spending the afternoon/evening together, each doing our own thing… together.  Alhamdulillah

Memories from this morning begin to intrude my attention… He came today (I can’t bare to write or even think his name, it would hurt too much) and finally dropped Rambo off; he had asked for him last weekend and then decided to keep him for the week… I tried to take it as gracefully as possible; they were 10080 anguishing minutes… But who was counting?

He came today and my insides crumbled, my heart skipped a beat, I stopped breathing and I could feel my pupils dilating..I’m confused, upset, hurt and over all horny… What bothered me the most wasn’t his macho, self centered,  que me importista attitude, or the fact that he looked amazing (I can tell he’s been going to the gym), no, what bothered me was my reaction.. I can’t tell if it’s my body the one that can’t let go, or my mind; but the moment my heart dropped a quite familiar train of emotions rammed me head on from hurt, to sad, to disappointed, to upset, confused… Why do I still let him affect me this way…  

As I continue pondering each of the thoughts that cross my mind (each influencing each other, as thoughts tend to do), memories continue to gush through… How do you know when it’s enough, the only answer I can concoct says that it’s enough the moment you look for an answer to that question, the moment you begin to acknowledge the possibilities of not dying of a broken heart.. Learning how to be confident and understanding that loving and accepting yourself as a worthy individual, does not make you a selfish, narcissistic person… That’s the hard part for me, not feeling like I’m over stepping people’s boundaries… I focus so much on that, not wanting to hurt anyone, that I forget about my own… Doing it over  7 years kind of takes a toll on you… With my time apart, my mind has been able to evolve, analyze, question and over analyze the situation that has come to us… Through my exaggerated thought process, I have come to realize great many things; all of which have chiseled my persona

1. Our relationship is not the healthiest, we fell into a pattern of ignoring issues to the point where a fight is catastrophically detrimental, both emotionally and mentally, for me at least… After we fight, my impulse is to discuss what happened, to understand the other point of view (I figured, since it’s the two of us now, we should try to understand each other); his impulse is to ignore everything and pretend nothing happened…

2. I’m tired of trying to keep the relationship afloat… Should I believe what he says, that he wants to change, that he will change, he will try to show me love, that he will try to take care of me… He asked for one more chance today… and I couldn’t find it in me to say yes… I’m too afraid…

3. I have pushed my self aside for far too long, I feel at the verge of loosing myself… I don’t want to become a submissive person, putting my head down every time, not speaking my mind because I fear the aftermath of a confrontation, I’m tired of caving, I’m tired of always being the first one to look for contact, for a hug, for love…. for sex.. One can only be rejected so many times….

4. It seems that we do better when we are not together, he seems so well off now… I feel, at peace…. I don’t want to bring out the worst in him… But I wasn’t enough to motivate him to be better…

5. I do feel lonely, I want to be held, caressed, I want to be observed in awe… I want to be told that I’m worth while, that I am worth being with, I want to share thoughts, opinions, believes, dreams, fears… I want romance, passion, and all the bullshit that comes with a fairy tale..  As cynical as I have allowed myself to become, I realized that I am a hopeless romantic….

6. I hate how much I hurt him by saying no… No to moving back in, no to us trying to stay together.. Why is it always on his terms.. months ago when I begged for a chance to talk things through, to sort things out, he didn’t want to, nor did he make the time…

7. I have become numb, I can actually push him out of my mind and not be hurt… at least for a little bit…  But then I remember his sweet-woody smell, his delicious lips, his big-deep–long-eye lashed-chocolaty-brown eyes, his broad chest, his neck, his shoulders, his back, his hands, his heart beat… and I realize that I haven’t let go… My cells shiver and the delicate wall I managed to build just collapses…

8. Plus all the newly wed problems that add up to the already existing pile… They hide beneath unspoken words, they are sneaky and  tough to describe…

And so, once more, I find myself in a transition state…

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