Eyes are a mirror we cannot avoid

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Criticism is never easy to quaff down, seldom do we like to hear what others think of us, how we are perceived by our loved ones, by the world… So how to react once we cross that inevitably curious line of “knowing”… I often try to auto-analyze myself, mainly because it has become a habit of mine to be extremely and inexplicably hard on myself… of course, I should add, I have self esteem problems, but that could well be another blog…
I’m a prism of insecurities, a severe coat of self-criticism, a film of selfishness, a fragmented hypercritical sometimes rude and ill-ed tempered woman,with  procrastination often as good company, a spec of a liar (a bad one at that, but if I practice enough, and don’t make eye contact, I am capable of lying), and a constant mermaid-like-daydreamer.
I have hurt the ones I love, and sometimes I can be rather vengeful (particularly with my husband).. I am never good at listing positive things about myself, I suppose that counts as a defect as well…

Recently, however, I try to be better, to change into a person that I could deem worthy of admiration…I know what I want to/should change…
I want to be a circle of generosity and altruism, a knight of honesty and empathy,a book full of  knowledge, an ocean of peace and kindness…
Up until my last (rather recent) marital argument, I was completely blind to the fact that I am prideful, or well, my husband seems to think I am.. When he told me, I must admit, I was surprised and hurt.. one more thing to add to my never ending list of defects. I, of course, did not agree with him, I justified myself as an opinionated woman, as oppose to prideful.. His response? “Being opinionated and being prideful are two different things”.. Try as I may, I do not see his point (or do I refuse to?), I have been meticulously slicing my mind to see his point of view…Thoughts lack a solid essence, sometimes they manage to wriggle their way out from comprehension…
My futile attempt at talking to him ended in a half argument, where we both called it a night and minded our own business… Alas, here I am, writing to see clearer, to unload my thoughts into my “pensieve-like-blog”, through which I intend to clear my mind…How am I prideful???  Am I really mixing both meanings? I like my loud mind, my quick tongue, and my constant and slick thoughts… I am certain I cannot, will not change that.. But is being prideful one of my many flaws as well?
A recollection of fights soar through my mind, and now perhaps, I have reached the answer… Not wanting to be the first one to give in, I push the silence further, I force myself to keep quiet, simply because I don’t want to give in.. In that sense, I realize now, I am prideful…
A bigger question is, can I change it, just thinking that I have to be the first one to “dar el brazo a torcer” irks me a little.. But how to over come that hurdle, the first step is always the hardest, or so I have heard…
A new question formulates slowly…Is pride a negative thing? Perhaps pride is intended for a group of people, for nations to stand together, for human kind to stop hateful acts against each other.. and perhaps, humility is intended for individuals, one of the keys to internal peace… Such a delicate word, a silky enclosure to a deep meaning…After swimming in a far and deep pool of thoughts, where time somehow ceases to exist, I am back in my living-room, typing… It’s already tomorrow…
Thank you pensieve, you have been of great help this evening…

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