Transition state

You know it’s been a while since your last blog, when you have to refer to the date of your last blog.  The question is, why has it been so long since my last blog???? After all the lectures of making an effort of doing what I like most, why did I push this passion aside?   Truth is, life does get in the way… And life, plus instability due to the lack of the much hated (and often misunderstood) routine, make a deterrent combination.. Non the less, the answers above are just excuses, I simply have not made the time.. At least I have kept up with my reading, and gym time…

After weeks of no outlet, my inner demons accumulate, and my mind begins to crave the rush of thoughts trickling down neuronal connections, as they get converted to electrical impulses that signal my fingers, which in turn glide over the key board, and I get the instant reward of reading each thought safely recorded as a hard copy, or well, sort of a hard copy… As inevitable as it is, the mind wonders off on its own, and I get to travel through time one more time.. First a recollection of events in the past couple of months.. A blur of emotions and memories can be recalled and told in the span of three seconds… I graduated, I got married, we are renovating a new house, I am living with my in-laws, I miss my family terribly, and I don’t have a job.
Could all the drama and tension be the currency one pays for a happily ever after? To spare unnecessary details, reality slaps you every time it gets, you realize that in truth “not everything that glitters is gold…” Despite the ups and downs, as it is customary, life goes on, and no matter how weird or impossible things may appear, they do happen, time does not wait for anybody.. The events that I took months to plan, as well as those that were unplanned, consolidated themselves in an unimaginable way, and a lot faster than I expected… My graduation arrived last year, 12 days after the last month of 2013 started.. I managed to not trip while acquiring my degree (and safe my self the endless embarrassment that accompanies my daily clumsiness), and only fell leaving the auditorium, but who cares… no body really saw.. In the same manner, I got married and I only realized it after it happened… I was blessed enough to have my beloved family (crazy cousins included), and my closest friends to share each moment of it.. It was, however, an out of body experience.. I was rather calm, surprisingly, even more calm than my husband.. (the word still gets some getting use to)…  Everybody shared tears and laughs, and it ended, faster than I would have wanted it to.. When something so major happens, I feel as if time would be kind and slowdown just a tad bit (so as to savor the moment, or comprehend what is going on).. but it never does.. Which leads me back to my job-less married present… I haven’t yet gotten use to the idea that I am married, sure, now I pay bills, and we spend most of the nights and mornings together (when I miss my family too much I depart his side and spend as much time as I can with them, I will always be a daddy’s little girl)… We are renovating a house, and in the mean time, I have way too many hours of the day to my self, hours where I am able to analyze my life and once again ask myself.. “what am I doing with it”, ” can these two major events be considered achievements?” Yes, I graduated, however it is only a BS in science, nothing major about that.. And yes I got married, but that is hardly an achievement.. to me it is more a strike of luck (for some ludicrous reason, he loves me back and whats more, accepts all my craziness ans flaws), especially when I hear all the complaints that go around about people being single..
It’s been over a month since my graduation, and I still don’t have a job, not the most acceptable scenario for a graduate.. I am faced with the endless question “what should I do with my life”.. Graduate schools is the next step, but with no income, and a growing loan, I get back to the starting point of needing a job.. and on and on I go in circles..

I need a catalyst, I am floating around as an undefined molecular structure, where I am no longer a reagent, and yet I have not reached my final product… And again another question emerges.. Do we ever reach the final product? Or are we constantly going from transition state to transition state, in this dynamic and unpredictable life?