Work out inhibitions

I have never been a fit girl… In fact my childhood consisted of candy, and taunting (which came from kin and foe) .. As the heaviest of all my cousins and siblings, I was constantly reminded of my weight and how horrible my body looked in comparison to my slender cousins… Mind you I was only 8 when it started.  As I grew into my teens, things got worse and I became a chubby child.  I have all sorts of quotes branded into my brain by my grandparents and aunts and uncles.. even some of my eldest cousins.. Esthetics are rather important in my family… Well, at least in my extended family, my immediate family got a rude awakening to weight problems… By the time I was 15 I got so traumatized by my weight that I looked for a way out.. And I found an eating disorder… Almost 10 years later, I still struggle to keep a healthy weight without losing my mind and without torturing my self.. Of course the taunting has stopped (from my extended family, and from other peers)  Most of the torturing and taunting I have done on myself.. It takes years (specially if your family pesters you about something and does not teach you other wise) to understand that outside opinions, words, and other form of input, can affect you only if YOU allow it.. It took me six years to distance myself from the death trap that an eating disorder can be.. By the time I was 18 my parents finally realized that I was not losing weight but was rather sick and unhealthy, at the verge of becoming seriously ill from it.. At that point, I was no longer allowed to do as I pleased, four years later, I had managed to be at a healthy weight… And above all, I saw the pain and suffering I caused my loved ones, I did not want to inflict pain or hurt them.. That was never my intention, so I stopped and tried my hardest to get out of my Anorexia…  However, till this day, I struggle to see it as” healthy” and not “fat”.. I am still not happy with my body, but, I am not in deadly peril.. Instead of starving and torturing myself, I found a way to be safe and over all reach a goal where I can be fit and happy with my body.. The problem and stress comes when an injury happens and I have to stop working out.. That’s when I go crazy inside my mind.. I do not allow people inside my problem, I don’t want to pester them.. or rather, if I am being honest with myself, I don’t want people to worry and see that pained look in their eyes.. My parents deserve better than that.. and who has heard of a 26 year old with weight/ eating disorder problems… So, naturally, I keep it to myself.. and drown in it.. I need to run and be free of my mind sometimes, so it doesn’t get to me anymore..
A month ago, my back gave me problems and I gained two pounds.. Finally I managed to lose them when I was able to step into the gym again.. Sadly, I cannot run, or at least not outside.. I am constrained to a noisy machine that is repetitive and boring..  But I was getting better, and stronger and could finally work out again. Yesterday, my wrist got injured, and now.. I cannot work out again.. I feel desperate.. and sometimes it is so difficult to hide it.. I keep looking in the mirror and I see the image getting larger… I lose touch between reality and the idealism that haunts me..


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