Caged

Crispy fresh air running through my hair, caressing my skin, the smell of a new day awakening, the sound of my shoes on the gravel as I sprint along the road.. I wake as the day and it’s diurnal creatures begin their daily task.  Breathing heavier, harder, pushing my muscles to an extreme, running to the beat of a song, it pushes me even further, the adrenalin and the exhilaration with every stride. A pump that pushes my every stride with new oxygenated blood.. My surroundings blurred as I pass them by.. “More speed, more speed, more speed, push your self, push your limit”. That was always my motto, my mantra.. Everything would disappear, my worries, my stress, my pounds. Now, three months of being unable to run. I sit, and look at my self in the mirror, without recognizing who stares back… A chubby thick, shapeless girl.That’s the image I have of myself, where ever I go (and that is why I avoid mirrors or anything that reflects back that lost girl)…
The voice starts again, a high shrill voice, she keeps telling me how much I have gained, how horrible I look, and once again, I detest myself.   How did she come back?
All memories of people’s taunting come back, and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to see anyone, I seek no company but my own, and that shrill voice…
Like a bird behind bars, kept from flying, my soul yearns to go out and run, escape from myself, be able to sit through a meal, enjoy a chocolate, without thinking of my weight.. Without feeling judged…
I miss running…

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An unavoidable Urge…

Time… Such an inconspicuous luxury… For the last six days, I have been dedicating most of this luxury to preparing my self for an exam… I have quite missed letting my mind wonder on its own accord, to do and think as it pleases; instead of focusing on how cells interact with one another and all the side effects each little signal and molecule bring.
Cause an effect, just like everything else, I suppose not even molecules are exempt from it… It has in deed been a hell of a week, shamelessly I confess I am enjoying a glass (a few sips really) of red wine, while I listen to “La vie en rose” by Edith Piaf, a light breeze plays with my hair… It’s finally starting to get chilly.. I love this weather, “life is good”… I know I always say this, but every time it proves to be true.
As I write, I can hear my sister cocktail  soft screeches of frustrated pleasure… I am no bird expert, but I believe she has finally reached maturity, in her cage she has this lumpy toy with a little bell attached to it. It hangs near one of her mirrors, and it I think to her (due to lack of experience I am sure) it looks like another bird or close enough at least… And maybe even the bell gives her positive reinforcement in her love quest, since it somehow answers to her…
About a month ago I noticed this poor little creature’s change in behavior, she gently puffs up near this lumpy toy, and lifts her tail (talk about being easy!), flirting in good faith…I think.  As time kept going, with no good outcome, she has now resolved to a more active and assertive technique… She holds herself right beneath it, and chirps/screeches every so often, and waits expectant for an end that never comes… She has become quite frisky, she doesn’t let people pet her anymore.. Poor thing, it’s actually heart breaking, and a bit amusing…. I sort of understand her… It’s an unsettling, gut wrecking feeling… Who likes feeling rejected and frustrated?!
After all, these urges are not just with in our species, many mammals enjoy some “sexy time”, even some reptiles, like turtles, find pleasurable release outside of mating seasons. I am sure, no matter the species, we all enjoy the biochemical secretion of oxytocin, endorphines, and other transmitters…
I got home 20 minutes ago, and knowing that I have the entire afternoon free is a little unnerving… Too much free time can drive a person crazy (no wonder women in the 1800s saw witches, ghosts, and demons… some even went psycho) and lack of time hunts us all. What a huge and unfair paradox…
With a light breeze, and a kind sunny day that promises not to scorch my skin, I decide to enjoy a “pool day”… I think, for today I can take a day of “il dolce far niente”, surely like wine, (if done in moderation) it behooves the soul and calms the mind… 🙂

“Moved by Music” Let her go by passenger

I came across the Daily Post challenge by sheer chance, I logged on to organize my posts, and continue to add on my (relatively) short stories.. As an eternal procrastinator (I have so many things to say, and so many ideas to transcribe from the random electrical impulses that burst from neuron to neuron, into legible words) most of my “posts” are still “baby-drafts”.  I found the challenge to be a great idea, however(and quite honestly), at first I did not find it interesting enough to dedicate some time to it… But then I thought, why not, since it would have a dead line, perhaps I could push and “challenge” myself, into actually finishing it tonight…
I struggled to choose a song, as the post it self says, “music is powerful”, it adapts to your mood and enhances it, it can help you travel through time, and (as a Spanish saying says) “it calms beasts down”.  I like so many different songs and genres.  How to decide??  Music is unbiased, it does not favor any sort of emotion, it just “goes with it” and carries you through a carousel of feelings and memories, its one of the best companions for a road trip, and let’s face it, movies would be nothing with out their soundtracks (particularly the horror genre). It fills your soul of endless possibilities through its auditive journey…  And as a Hispanic girl, personally, I feel that dancing to music with great rhythm is one of the best cures (next to making love, and shopping) for the body, mind, and soul..
After going through a mental list of songs, I came up with three main ones (which I will list at the end to make them justice). However, I decided to expand on the one that made it to the title: Let her go by Passenger.  How, exactly, did this particular song pushed me to join the challenge??? Well, first as I browsed the internet while I allowed my mind to elaborate on what I wanted to say (and whether or not I would write), I came across a post on Facebook that quoted one of the lines from the song. Immediately I knew this was one of the songs that would have to make it into the challenge.  Or perhaps it was its dual effect.  With its entrancing instrumental opening, it  tickles the senses into a bubbly state of mind; the first time you listen to it, however, it can be perceived in a negative or somewhat depressive way.  But it’s the rhythm(as it is with many songs) that hooks your attention and keeps you listening to the end, and it grows on you..  Once you accept the cliche saying “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone” as verity , you can fully understand and appreciate the lyrics; and hopefully make a conscious effort to be better, in both life and love… Or at the very least, just enjoy the song… Which ever approach you take, it’s a sublimely succinct song.
To me, this song, is a subliminal description of the facets of the icosahedron that human nature is, the different moods we experience, and the moments that fill our lives.  We can be so cryptically capricious.  We focus on the one shiny thing we think we really want (sometimes going through extreme situations to attain it), once we have it, it some how loses value, and we are no longer interested… Most of the time we don’t know where we are going, or what we want, we make it up, and we re discover ourselves day by day.  We go through life, expecting it to be extraordinary, and we forget (through routines and social pressure) that it is up to us to make it so…  We, quite often, forget to enjoy the little things (for however long they may last) and to make the best of each breath we take, since we never know when it will be the last.  As we grow up we leave behind the magic the world held for us when we were children, the little things no longer shine the way they use to, and we no longer make the effort to see wonder behind a beautiful sunset, our significant other, a song with great lyrics, a good book, or even bubble wrap. They fall into a secondary category, where taking the time to be happy and share it with loved ones, is an expensive mythical gift.  We get consumed by what we think something should be or feel like, and we forget to accept things the way they are and truly enjoy them.  As I have discovered through my “growing up experiences”, balance is key 🙂

1) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA

2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lLvtydTM78

3) http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8LOJK7HF0kSZgLFSy5R-Y-7-VCVicbmZ

As a short note: The last song is in Spanish, it’s from a Mexican rock band called Mana.  It’s my motto, it speaks about how we should not care what people think about us, regardless of who they may be, authorities, parents, peers, in-laws, etc… Know yourself, and accept the fact that no body is perfect, therefore, they don’t have the right to judge you, and in turn, you should not judge others..

Work out inhibitions

I have never been a fit girl… In fact my childhood consisted of candy, and taunting (which came from kin and foe) .. As the heaviest of all my cousins and siblings, I was constantly reminded of my weight and how horrible my body looked in comparison to my slender cousins… Mind you I was only 8 when it started.  As I grew into my teens, things got worse and I became a chubby child.  I have all sorts of quotes branded into my brain by my grandparents and aunts and uncles.. even some of my eldest cousins.. Esthetics are rather important in my family… Well, at least in my extended family, my immediate family got a rude awakening to weight problems… By the time I was 15 I got so traumatized by my weight that I looked for a way out.. And I found an eating disorder… Almost 10 years later, I still struggle to keep a healthy weight without losing my mind and without torturing my self.. Of course the taunting has stopped (from my extended family, and from other peers)  Most of the torturing and taunting I have done on myself.. It takes years (specially if your family pesters you about something and does not teach you other wise) to understand that outside opinions, words, and other form of input, can affect you only if YOU allow it.. It took me six years to distance myself from the death trap that an eating disorder can be.. By the time I was 18 my parents finally realized that I was not losing weight but was rather sick and unhealthy, at the verge of becoming seriously ill from it.. At that point, I was no longer allowed to do as I pleased, four years later, I had managed to be at a healthy weight… And above all, I saw the pain and suffering I caused my loved ones, I did not want to inflict pain or hurt them.. That was never my intention, so I stopped and tried my hardest to get out of my Anorexia…  However, till this day, I struggle to see it as” healthy” and not “fat”.. I am still not happy with my body, but, I am not in deadly peril.. Instead of starving and torturing myself, I found a way to be safe and over all reach a goal where I can be fit and happy with my body.. The problem and stress comes when an injury happens and I have to stop working out.. That’s when I go crazy inside my mind.. I do not allow people inside my problem, I don’t want to pester them.. or rather, if I am being honest with myself, I don’t want people to worry and see that pained look in their eyes.. My parents deserve better than that.. and who has heard of a 26 year old with weight/ eating disorder problems… So, naturally, I keep it to myself.. and drown in it.. I need to run and be free of my mind sometimes, so it doesn’t get to me anymore..
A month ago, my back gave me problems and I gained two pounds.. Finally I managed to lose them when I was able to step into the gym again.. Sadly, I cannot run, or at least not outside.. I am constrained to a noisy machine that is repetitive and boring..  But I was getting better, and stronger and could finally work out again. Yesterday, my wrist got injured, and now.. I cannot work out again.. I feel desperate.. and sometimes it is so difficult to hide it.. I keep looking in the mirror and I see the image getting larger… I lose touch between reality and the idealism that haunts me..