High life-xpectations?

Just a random thought, how exactly does one know if the current path is the right one?
On my way to class, as thoughts about my exam score (which I did not fail, but must admit I thought I had done a lot better), reality, responsibilities, and so on, developed and connected in my mind, I realized that it is passed mid-September. With only four days left in the 9th month, which for some reason I always picture with a yellowish tone, I have literally three months left of the single life. A rush of emotions ran through me faster than a cbr 1100.  As each emotion (excitement, nervousness, joy, and somewhat tapping on woefulness) left  my body in a “peak to valley” motion, one seemed to prevail: worry.  Is it normal to worry about getting married, and knowing that you might not be cut out for a married life? To most people, the worrying aspect of marriage is mainly the fact that they would be legally and emotionally bound to one person for the fairy tale version of “a monstrously long time”: for ever. However, this particular reason is not something that deprives me of sleep. I know to the last molecule in my body that I am deeply and unequivocally in love with my hubby to be. Truth is, when it comes to significant others, I am quite lucky. Despite our ups and downs as a couple, and though he may not be the romantic type, he does seek to spoil me, and tries with all his might to make me happy; considering the fact that I am an indecisive, intricate, devilishly emotional and sensitive gal.  My epicenter of worry is mainly due to financial problems, and to some extent, family/culture differences. As a 26 year old undergrad student, I never thought I would be this old, and with no direction of life goal achievements. And while I am being honest, I never thought I would be getting married before being a professional, independent woman. Life wraps surprises in every intangible way possible.  Through different scenarios, I find myself in the present time, not yet graduated (but in the eve of my last semester), without a job, and engaged.  Definitely not what I had in mind when I was forced to migrate with my parents to the famous land of opportunities nine years ago.  Though it has turned out to be quite an experience, and I have learned and changed so much, it is still not ideal.  I have not yet made an imperative discovery, nor have I yet changed the world into a more compassionate place.  Instead I have managed to add up over $20,000 in student loans, and about $900 in my savings (through mediocre little part time jobs).  Six years after I started my student carrier (and after foolishly taking a year off), my graduate title will read Neuroscience and Biological Science, and minor in Italian. To some it sounds quite impressive, to me, it is merely a mockery of time and money wasted. I do not feel any smarter, and as a science graduate, I am not yet able to have a decent paying job; truth is, I didn’t think the studious plan through.  As an eager young nerd, one does not take into consideration (or at least, I didn’t) that science require half your life span and years of dedication to make a career that will support you and/or, at the very least, pay the bills.  As a soon to be graduate, I am faced with the reality of a huge college loan, and no career possibilities unless I keep going (which I very much intend to do) into a Masters and even a PhD degrees.  How exactly will I afford those dreams, I still do not know.  In the mean time, I have two more months to figure out how to start paying the rather large amount of money, and most importantly, how can I start a life with, the previously mentioned, hubby to be.  It seems unfair to have to drag him through my emotional and financial, thymus-reducing, crisis.  Knowing that we cannot start from zero, since I already have a huge debt, leads me to rethink the “moving in with the family” issue.  Definitely not something I ever wanted to do, and now even less so, since my baby sister claims that she will move out by the time she turns 21.
The latter, does not help my dependent situation; rather it nudges my (already brittle) self esteem that much closer to complete self loathing and disappointment.  Drowning in a sea of different thoughts and possibilities, the question remains, should we just stay in the comfort parent zone?  Though it is hardly a “comfort zone”.  I must add as well, that I am a newly Muslim convert, though I enjoy the religion at my own pace, my future parents in law (particularly my future mother in law), have different views as to what constitutes a good Muslim, and most definitively, what constitutes a good wife.  As a Hispanic girl, I am load, outspoken, hot headed, and extremely sexual, not submissive at all. I do, every so often, enjoy my solitude, and I like to hypothesis about everything I can.  Having grown up in a sexist society, I learned very early on to speak my mind, repel certain ideas, and not take, for lack of a better word, crap from anyone. I have always detested the idea that both my grandmothers, and some of my aunts, wanted to embed in my, and my cousins’ heads “The woman has to learn to cook and clean for her husband”.  Of course, now would be a good time to mention that my hubby to be does not think in this way at all. However, after a recent conversation with his mother, the words burn in my limbic system. “You are going to be married now, you can’t put your duties aside for studies or anything else, in our culture, the man comes first”.  I politely nodded, partly because I didn’t know what else to do, and mainly because I do not speak Bangla.  If either she spoke Spanish, or I spoke Bangla, I would have told her that I do not share her views, and that I come from a completely different background, where I speak my mind, I am not submissive, and the husband is just as capable as the wife is, of cooking, cleaning and looking after him/herself.  But not wanting to start a war early on, and thinking that we would start together else where, I decided to stay  quite.  Nowthat the vulture like question is upon us, I have to reconsider everything.  His parent’s house, or mine? So many factors to consider, all revolving around the fact that I have not yet lived to any of my expectations.  How, when, what, why, all have always formed part of my daily thought process, recently, however, they have acquired a much serious meaning, with a dark sort of grayish tone.
What about tiny humans, that little genetic combination of two lovers?? Alas, that indeed is an entirely new blog…


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